Circle of Frustration

All I want right now is to be able to study with full concentration or without falling asleep. That would be prime. I'm tired of wasting hours at a time trying to retain information, and coming away with, "Well, I know the topic was about mitochondria...". Maybe someday I won't have the memory of a goldfish.

School has begun again. It's the second week, and I'm drowning already. Although, not by much. I'm keeping up alright, it's just...I don't wanna!

Let's see...my to-do list for tonight is:
- Population Ecology assignment (due on Thurs)
- Comparative Animal Physiology (CAP) assignment (due next Mon)
- CAP reading (about 15 pages from the text)
- Cell Biology reading (go over lectures)
- Integrative Biology of Invertebrates (practice questions)
- download the text for Aquatic Environments

Yup! Just four more semesters and hopefully I will be done. School is my main focus in life right now. I'm trying not to think of anything else, just take one day at a time. I can do it! I believe in ME!

Things that break, but I'm too lazy to fix...

The biggest broken thing in my life right now, besides my computer, is myself. Yeah, I still have sleep apnea. It's super annoying. Symptoms include wild mood swings, poor memory retention, constant fatigue, a lack of concentration, a weak immune system and terrifying gasping sounds while sleeping. Sometimes I think of all these things and think "How do I live? How do I even get on with my day to day life?" Sleepily...and clumsily. It's a miracle I've made it this far in University.

The most annoying thing is my doctor. My first visit pertaining to my nose was about six years ago maybe, when I was having trouble breathing, and I was losing my sense of smell. Good ol' Dr. Moustachio (p.s., not his real name), said "Well, Vanessa, I don't deny you have problems breathing, but you're young and healthy...here are some crappy nasal sprays to help". Surprise; they didn't work.

With my breathing problems becoming worse, I went to see a Naturopath. She gave me some weird pills that had nothing to do with breathing. "To help cleanse your cells", she explained. Surprise; they didn't do anything.

So, a year later, I went to see Mr. Mustachio again, hoping he would realize this is a major issue that needed to be looked after. "I think I have sleep apnea, and it's making me tired all the time", I pleaded to him. "Well, Vanessa, I can't say that you do or do not have sleep apnea, but you're young and healthy...here are some crappy nasal sprays for you to try...the same ones that I gave you six years ago, in fact". Ugh...the nasal sprays were so useless that they had already been DISCONTINUED! Thanks, Doc.

But this time, he referred me to a sleep clinic, so not all was a complete waste of time. I went in, and they attached things to me, I slept, they woke me up, and I went home. Weeks went by, and I expected to hear something from either sleep clinic people, or the doc, saying something like "Oh my God! How are you alive??? Come get fixed, RIGHT AWAY!" But, nothing...

Anywho, I just called the Doc today, and the receptionist said "Oh, yeah, he read the results of your sleep test...he would have called you if he thought anything was wrong". UGH! WHAT?! I can just picture him reading the results to himself, "Hmm...yeah, she does have sleep apnea and she makes dying sounds while sleeping and her oxygen levels are critical...but she's young and healthy...no need to worry".

So frustrating! I have an appointment in a month...I feel like I'm dealing with the government, where it takes years to actually get a problem sorted out. Wish me luck!

Getting through life...

...not easily done. The days seem so long. Maybe it's just the summer and it's too hot to do anything other than melt on the couch. It's most likely linked to the fact that I'm much too lazy to do anything except things that have immediate consequences if I don't do them (e.g. go to work). Mainly, I'm just tired of waiting around for something or someone to make me happy ALL the time. Not that I'm super sad or anything, it's just that I've experienced being happy always once, and now that I've had it, then lost it, life just seems like "Aw, craaaap...I have to do things".

What I'm trying to get at is...I've made a point system. Everytime I clean the house, study, do something outside, eat vegetables etc, I get a sticker! I haven't got the stickers yet...so for now I make unsatisfactory circles beside things I've done. Hopefully this will keep me motivated?

I've also planned out the rest of my University career, which is highly motivational. The next two years now look more like a smooth, straight road, rather than a confusing maze. I just can't wait to be DONE!!! My awesome roomie also switched majors into something more similar to mine, and therefore WE CAN TAKE CLASSES TOGETHER!! Which I am looking forward to muchly! Now I'm not forced to make new friends! Not that new friends are bad, I'm just not good at making and keeping them.

Sigh...just two more years, just two more years, just two more years...

Ps: Local Natives = excellent band! :)

Be Confident!

I am a push-over. Yes. It has recently come to my attention that this is not good. For example; my housemates tend to take advantage of my push-over-ness. They like to break my things, and then not tell me/apologize or anything...because they can get away with it. I think my problem is that I'm not quick enough to think "Heeeey, wait a miiiinute!..." Instead, my mind usually goes "Ugh, man! That sucks". I need to ask questions right away. Next time a cup is broken (I don't think there are any left to be broken, actually...niiice), I need to be all "How and why did this happen, and where and when shall I get a new one from the culprits?". At least I know my new roomie would be apologetic and remorseful had she broken one of my dishes. Yay! Very Soon!!

I am also an obsessive person. My mind always needs to be in one room or another (see previous blogs). And I cannot get over one obsession until I have found a new one. This drives me crazy. I have tried so hard to get a person off of my mind, to no avail. I even tried this silly thing where everytime that person entered my mind, I would replace that thought with this simple and stupid phrase: Everyday I am better and stronger. Sometimes it worked, but sometimes my obsessive thoughts just ate that sentence, and I had to start all over again.

However, taking Invertbrate Morphology and Evolution has made me appreciate a lot of organisms. I like going outside and just flipping over rocks and leaves and looking for random Gastropods, Crustaceans and Arthropods. Yay!

One more thing: I find people directly before an exam to be highly annoying. People like to announce their stress out loud to everyone, which makes me more stressed. AND! I have one friend who loves to quiz everyone before an exam. This always makes me 500 times more stressed, because he asks obscure questions that I don't know the answer to, and then I go into freak-out mode. And if people aren't explaining how stressed out they are, then they're bragging about how much they studied, which is always significantly more than I have. Guh!

So Close!

It's almost my birthday! Yeah...except I have a little predicament, it's a bit juvenile. I call my social role a "floater". I don't really have a set group of friends, which I'm ok with for several reasons: 1) I can choose the people I hang out with. When you're in a group, there's always that one person that you really can't stand, but you're forced to hang out with anyway. But I'm not in a group, so I can just call up specific people and be all "Let's do things". 2) No conformity! I don't have to do things I don't feel comfortable doing, just to fit into a group.

What's annoying, though, is that University is clique-y. I didn't think it would be, but it is. Socially, it's like highschool. Last year in res, everyone got all group-ish and exclusive, and then I was left out. And then this year, I thought I was with this group of people that are in my class, but suddenly they got exclusive too, and no one invited me to things. But it's totally fine, I still have friends, so it's all good.

Anywho, my birthday pickle: I want to have a birthday thing with friends, but my friends don't really know each other. They are all from separate groups, so if I invite them all to the same thing, the probability of the situation being awkard is very high. And then there is also the "if I invite her, I have to invite that other person too, or else they would get mad". And suddenly my "little birthday thing" turns into "large house party where everything gets trashed". What to do?! I would rather not do anything for my b-day, whatever, it's just a b-day, right? Then again, I haven't had a birthday party for myself since I was eight, I believe. Blah! Maybe I just won't do anything.

On a lighter, less annoying note: my new favourite animal = SEA CUCUMBER!!! A sea cucumber is basically a slimy water balloon. It's kind of like a giant slug, but less gross, and more fun to hold in your hand. I want my very own squishy cucumber!! I shall name him Mr. Sweaters, just because.

One-uppers

I find it annoying when people feel the need to one up everyone to try and impress them. No one listens to anyone else anymore. They just sit and wait for other people to stop talking so they can talk about themselves, and it's quite annoying. This is why I never usually do the talking when I'm with a group of friends, because I feel like...why even bother? They aren't hearing what I'm saying anyway.

It really blows my mind how a lot of people seem so selfish. I think I can guess what they're thinking when they talk to friends. One friend will be complaining about how she and her boyfriend are having a fight, and all the other friend is thinking about is "Wow, how dare she talk all about herself, when MY boyfriend and I are having an even worse fight! Mleh mleh mleh!" Come on, really? Do people even care anymore?

A few weeks ago, I was at this person's house with some other people, and two of the people were one-uppers, so everytime one would say something, the other would jump in and say something like "Well, that's nothing!" It got to the point where they were bragging about things that were non-braggable. Example: Girl 1: "My grandma died when I was 12 from a heart attack" Girl 2: "Well, MY grandma died on my tenth birthday from falling in the pool! Beat that!" How ridiculous is that! I was so baffled, I had to leave.

It's crazy. I actually prefer listening when I talk to friends.

Here is Brian Regan's take on it all about "Me Monsters":
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5QvSoRQrVJg

Hilarious.

Whhhaaa?

Is anyone else confused by banks? I am!

I got my credit card today! Yay! I had to call to activate it. The lady tried to sell me something, I think? I'm not sure, I couldn't really understand her. I only heard clips of what she was saying: "So, Miss Vanessa, if you cannot work .....you can pay 89 cents per 100 dollars...incase of heart attack, or stroke...30 days approval...free if the balance is zero.....bananas.....so, Miss Vanessa, would you be interested?" "Um? No? Can I think about it?"

Anyway...I can buy things online?

Also, I feel sick. :(

Oh Yeah!

Hi, again! So, funny story...
I was writing that last blog, and then my friend came up to me and asked what I was doing. "Writing a blog!" I said. He laughed. And then I thought about how blogging is actually quite nerdy...but I think my blogging skills are exceptional! So then I read all of my previous blogs (instead of studying...whoops). While reading them, I actually laughed outloud. HAHAHA! I'm greeeeat. Anyway, the point of this "funny story" is that I forgot how much I actually enjoy blogging. Therefore, I am going to blog again...(intead of studying...)

Know what I can't understand? How people concentrate for long periods of time. I just can't do it! My attention span is very very limited. The girl who is sitting across from me in the library has been working on the same lab for about two hours. I'm impressed!

Also, I'm going to revisit my impression of my mind. So, yeah, it's a long hallway with doors, and inside the doors is filing cabinets with all the info for each specific topic. I have come up with a theory of what happens inside these rooms during an exam: while I'm trying to think of the information I need, I picture myself rummaging through all the filing cabinets desperately. "Ok, Foraminifera...F...F....it's not in here!!!" Files are being thrown around in panic. Then, I hear a noise and look over my shoulder...there, I see a creepy man, smiling at me, while he feeds a file labelled "Foraminifera" into a shredding machine: "Whiiiiiiiirrrrr". Me: "NNNOOOOOOOO!!!"

Ahahah!

My closing thought for the day: Tights are not pants. That is all.

Pent up ANGER?

The last few days, I have been in class, and I have been angry. My general anger is directed towards people. People are weird, and interesting...but a lot of them are selfish and annoying. I guess I'm not a people-person? I can pretend to be, but deep down, I'm not. :(

So, in class, I come in at a reasonable time, the class isn't full at this point, yet I can't find a good seat. Why? BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE DUMB AND SAVE 700 SEATS FOR ALL OF THEIR FRIENDS!!! For example, I have my Nutrition class in War Memorial, which is a large church-like building, with a stage and projector at the front, and the seats are a lot like movie theatre seats, except squishier. I come in today and scan the first 3 rows...all full. Next 7 rows...half full; the other seats all have people's belongings draped over them, waiting for their friends. Why? Are you in grade 5? I just don't understand!

Ok, let's break this down, people...why would you need your whole group of friends to sit with you?
1) To catch up? To talk before class? Ok, really, by the time your friend comes in, you have 1 to 2 minutes to talk to them. You want to catch up? TALK AFTER CLASS! Or....CALL THEM AND HANG OUT OUTSIDE OF CLASS.

2) To make sure your friend has a seat? We are all 19+ years olds...I think we are adult enough to look for our own seats

I cannot think of a 3rd reason. I shall ask people who are saving seats, maybe they can enlighten me on the reasons.

I don't mind as much when the class isn't really full, but in the case of my Nutrition class, every seat is taken, and it's impossible to find seats even 7 minutes before class begins. And then when you do find a seat, it's impossible to actually get to it without stepping on people and belongings, and molesting the back of peoples' heads...it's weird and awkward.

Sometimes, I really just want to go sit where ever I want, and when someone says "Oh, this is saved" I will say "No..." or "They can sit somewhere else"...some day...sigh.